Feelings. . .

I'm feeling a tad bitter about this disease today. And not because of anything it's doing to me now, but what it's done to me in general. But I have to back up and explain.

One of my very best friends, who also has twins, just gave birth to her third child yesterday. We were both trying early on, we both had miscarriages, but she continued to try and I got sick with this stupid disease. She got pregnant and I got a tumor. Now I love her to death and I'm so very happy for her. But when I went to see her baby today, after I left, I got upset. Happy tears of course, but envious because I really had wanted to get pregnant again and to know what it's like to have a singleton. But because of what happened with this disease, I can't have anymore kids. Now that my pituitary and all it's hormones have been messed with, I can pretty much never have kids again. And even if I could get pregnant, I'm not sure I would. I would be afraid this disease would come back again, since I believe getting pregnant was what started this whole thing for me.

So then I started just crying, because I was just mad at what this disease has done to me. I wanted to blame something, someone, but I couldn't. And then I felt guilty. Guilty because I was lucky enough to even get pregnant, let alone with twins. I have a very beautiful girl and a cutie patootie boy who I am blessed to have. Yes they are growing up and are 7 now, but I know that some of the gals with Cushings don't get to have kids at all. All these feelings just surfaced tho.

After awhile, I was fine. I went about the rest of my day and I hugged my kiddos tight tonight. But will I feel those feelings every time I see her baby? Or even my SIL's baby when she has her baby in a few months??? I hope not. I want to move past this disease. I don't want it to make me feel bad. I'm past it and I don't want to think about it again. At least I wish it was that easy!!